The (not so) bold and predictable

Last week, various sports websites and magazines gave their 2009 Major League Baseball predictions. These publications listed who would make the playoffs and who would pick up individual hardware. One could follow in the footsteps of these acclaimed journals; but where’s the fun in that?

So instead of listing the “usual” prophecies, here are 12 obscure predictions for the brand new baseball season:

1. Julio Franco will remain retired and resist the temptation to make a comeback. Technically, he still has a few “good” years left in him. He’s only 50-years-old.

2. Manny Ramirez will use a pitching change to give cooking tips to a Dodger Stadium usher. Man-Ram will also perform an impromptu gymnastic maneuver during a routine play. It’ll be ugly, but at least Manny will be Manny.

3. Derek Jeter will not throw a no-hitter.

4. The New York sports media will canonize A.J. Burnett for two months, harshly criticize him for three months, and show indifference for one month.

5. For the seventh straight year, the All-Star game – to be held at the new Busch Stadium in St. Louis – will not end in a tie.

6. Lou Piniella will lose his temper at least once this season. Expect “Sweet Lou” to kick his hat around the field. About five milligrams of dirt will be kicked onto the Umpire’s pants. There will also be an assortment of expletives coming out of Piniella’s good-natured mouth.

7. The hot dogs sold outside Toronto’s Rogers Centre will continue to taste better than the ones sold inside the stadium. As usual, the outdoor wieners will also be bigger and better priced.

8. TMZ.com will catch CC Sabathia eating at Wendy’s. A visibly upset Hank Steinbrenner will order Sabathia to go on a diet. All fast foods will also be banished from the Yankees’ clubhouse. Various articles and editorials will be written on how bacon cheeseburgers effect New York’s starting rotation.

9. Someone will butcher “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during Wrigley Field’s seventh inning stretch.

10. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim will change their name yet again. This time, they will be known as the “Los Angeles Angels Baseball Club of Anaheim, California, North America, Planet Earth.” Good luck trying to get that on a t-shirt.

11. The fourth-place team in the American League East Division will have a better record than the National League West Division champion.

12. Pete Rose and Jim Gray will have a celebrity arm-wrestling match in honour of their infamous 1999 World Series interview. The stadium marquee will read “Rose vs. Gray: Ten Years Later.” Place your bets.

Enjoy the season!